Crying isnt a sign of weakness.

Random midnight thoughts




I hate how i'm always looking for something every time i step out of my house. No matter where i go, i can't help but anticipate for something different or someone to save me from myself. I feel like im wasting my days away. Living but not really. I wish i could say that i'm happy where i am and that my heart feels content, but then i'd just be lying... And every time i do feel like im happy, im just kidding myself cus really, im not. I'm just suffocating myself even more, a show for people. To never expect how terribly weak i am. I don't deserve that happiness. I feel so selfish and asking why is he so unfair? why.. did things turn out like this. Why can't i have someone beside me to cry about this to? But then i think about how greedy i'm being. I have so much love around me that i take it for granted. I know whats gonna happen to me in the future and it stings my heart when i confront my self about it. So i joke to my self saying "Its okay, i'll be better." But at the end of the day, its always hunting me like a shadow that follows when the sun starts to set. Its so frustrating, everyday im enduring it little by little, and it just seems to get even more lonely. But everyone is alone, right? That word is something i believe a lot of people are afraid of. Cus even the most adored person in the world is lonely. Thats why we do these blogs, to try to reach out to someone.. To express ourselves, to share, or let frustrations go. It's even much more than a relationship type. All anyone really needs is a good friend. A great solid friend. Can i know where mine is at? Or did i already left it behind?

I wanna live honestly, with my heart open to anyone who is willing to come in. People around me are so afraid to speak about how they feel or what's on their mind. Its frustrating cus how can you really know a person until you let them in and get them to see you, the REAL you, bad and good? This is when i really hate the damn internet. It's a chance for people to bring walls up and leave things unsettled. A protection for others, not even a way to let stress out, but more to avoid confronting it.

Yes i do talk about people, I'm human and i'd rather judge a hundred people then ever say something about myself cus in reality i'd probably hate myself the most. I'm not trying to be anything, because i don't even know who i am. Till this day, i get surprised about things i like and things i don't like. I'm still searching who i am. What i wanna do, and where i wanna be and at the same time trying to understand other people.

I have fallen in love. I've fallen for living. I love how life brings you so much tears but during the right time, even a small time, it gives you THAT bit of happiness that makes you wanna try hard to continue living for that simple happiness. I love how frustrating things get, or how simple it could be. I love how you could never know what its gonna bring you, surprise you or even let you down. I even love those moments where you can't stand life itself. But what i love most is how in every corner in life, it has it's moment of being incredibly amazing.

I wish i wasn't lazy cus maybe... I could've been something.
haha just maybe.

So yeah. random midnight thoughts that ended up around 1, while i have 2 major exams in the morning. lol I love how much my mind gets distracted easily. peace&love!<3